No self esteem? 

Why not join the exciting ranks of high brow film critics! 

YES!  You too can become an overbearing film reviewer!  It's no effort!  Simply follow these 5 easy steps and be writing leading edge criticism worthy of any elitist column! 

1.  Watch a film. 

2.  Determine how the general populace feels about it.  Will people like it or not?    (This, of course, is the tricky part.  It's suggested that beginners select a work about which people have already formed an opinion). 

3.  If the general populace likes the film, simply write a scathing review.    Everybody knows the public consists of stupid and ill educated people.  It is important that you always separate yourself from them, otherwise you may suffer from feelings of not being superior! 

4.  If the general populace doesn't like the film, then you should write a glowing review with lots of big words and obscure references, (none of which have to be accurate).  Remember, the greater the verbal fog, the more you will intimidate people into giving you their respect! 

5.  If you happen to choose a popular story about which you cannot think of anything scathing to say, (The film, Forest Gump, as an excellent example), don't be alarmed!  There are two ways you can save face: 

a)  Simply declare that, yes, the film in question was actually worthy of praise from such esteemed critics such as yourself, and the fact that because the public also happened to enjoy the film only proves that great an can affect even the stupid!  Anyway, unlike you, contemporary folk are far too dumb to get all the clever references, or come up with million dollar words to describe what they just saw!   Through this method, you can remain a pompous ass and still watch fun films! 

b)  Be bitter and spiteful, and say stupid things like, 'art is dead'. 

There you have it!  Now you too can attain the respect of such esteemed critics as Vincent Camby of the New York Times, (who's 1977 review sneered at George Lucas' Star Wars!  '. . . but will likely be popular with contemporary folk,' indeed!) 

So, remember, if some over blown wanna-be elitist looks down his nose at you and tries to make you feel small, the only thing you can do is abandon your own views and pretend to agree.  If you want respect, bending to peer pressure is the only way!

But seriously. . .  Here's how I see it: 

Critic = Intellectual bully.     Reviewer = Entertainment reponer. 

Reviewers recommended Forest Gump.  Critics, however, curtly said it was: 'about a dumb guy on a park bench who learned nothing from his experiences'.
 
There are definite patterns.  The ego factor in cinematic review is HUGE, yet somehow seems to remain invisible.  People assume critics are 'just doing their jobs.'  --That they are honest in their intent of reporting good and bad films.  --And certainly, there are people out there who are honest in this, but the simple fact remains, EVERYBODY needs some level of respect from their fellow humans.  Without it, you feel sick.  Critics are people too, but instead of earning respect in positive ways, they take easy routes:  Intimidation.  Fake intellectualism.  'If you push down on the heads of others, you can raise yourself a notch.'  Very ugly.
 
(Can you guess?  I just enjoyed a video and then went back to read what the critics said about it.  They didn't like it.)  Ah, well.  --Till next issue.  Ciao!