Dear Credit Officer: 

Hello, my name is Mark Oakley, and I am once again applying for a credit card. 

The arguments I offer this time in favor of your doing business with me are as follows: 

1.  I am incredibly irresponsible with money, which should be pleasing to you in that it guarantees I will be making constant interest payments on any funds I might ever come to borrow.  This means BIG PROFIT for you!  I am not like those nasty card holders who always pay back the money they borrow on time and so never let you skim a thin dime off them in interest. 

2.  I am well educated and young and my job prospects shoot for the stars!  This means I will have a steady and reliable income with which to support my irresponsible spending!  PLUS, like so many students today, because I am away at college and starving, I would regularly use your credit card to purchase food!  Luckily, before I collapsed from hunger and tuition payments, I saw one of the great many displays of credit card applications littering the campus.  If you send me a card quickly, you might well be able to help in reinforcing my poor spending habits so that my use of credit becomes a genuine and firmly established addiction!  With luck, like many millions of others, I too will be able to nestle up to the warm womb of leeching debt and be paying interest & user fees to your glorious corporate empire for many years to come! 

I trust that in considering these arguments, you will view my application favorably and immediately ship me my credit card so that I might at once dive into the exciting world of personal debt! 

Yours sincerely,
 
 

Mark Oakley
P.O. Box 6671
Station A,
Toronto, Ontario
M5W 1X5
 

P.S.  I want to thank you for your rejection of my previous applications, in that you have given me time to think over my situation and realize a full understanding of just how rapturous and joyful an institution you are! 

P.S.S.  I am not really a college student, but an artist/entrepreneur who foolishly explained in previous applications that any credit you provided for me would be used sparingly and only for such things as arranging hotel and travel accommodations for out of town functions relating to my work.  I also foolishly explained that I would never likely carry a debt, as I tend to be good with money and because I find I am turning an ever increasing profit.  Pretty stupid of me, huh?  I should have given you the college kid line.  Then perhaps I’d be considered a fully privileged citizen able to rent movies.  Go figure. 

P.S.S.S.  Read comics, Mr. Banker?  Issue #6 of Thieves & Kings comes out this July.  Cash only, please.